Write by Wednesday… November is my MOST Insecure Writing Month

November, inevitably, makes me an even more insecure writer. Why? Because there is no way in heck I could write even an awful, terrible, mistake-riddled manuscript for a novel in a month. Even if I quit my job and holed up in my office, it just would not happen.

I recently read  Tia Bach’s Chasing Memories (you can read my review here) which was born out of a NANO project.  I loved so many things about this book, but the whole time I read it I was in awe of Tia’s ability to write that draft  in a month.

Max and Menna took me ten years to write-- I started it at 16 and finished it at 26, so they were 10 formative years. I grew up with those characters, and they grew out of my own life learning. When reviews for the book started coming in and many people mentioned that the characters felt so real to them,  I was ecstatic… because they are real to me, too.

And then my good friend Tia writes a character like Reagan from Chasing Memories… in a month! Reagan was almost as real to me as my Menna, vaulting off the page and feeling as though she were sitting right next to you telling you her story.

Fundamentally, I understand that we all write at different speeds and paces. I should not be comparing myself to those that can write faster than I can as necessarily being an indicator that they are “better writers.”  Nonetheless, I will remain in slightly-envious awe of all of you NANO writers. My November goal is to finish a whole chapter of my third novel.

IWSG- Resolving to See Things Differently This Year!

2012 was a great year for me! I wrote about it yesterday, but even just in terms of writing, but in my reminiscing, I stumbled on something of concern. As I watched the ball drop what was running through my head is how I still am so tentative about calling myself a writer.

Seriously, two novels and a collection of short stories done and I struggle to feel justified in describing myself as a writer. That can't be healthy, right?

And so, I pose a question: What makes someone a writer?

In The United States of Leland, my favorite movie, Don Cheadle plays a wanna-be writer. In a conversation with his girlfriend, he tells her "you're not a writer if no on is reading your s*%&." I'm not sure I agree with the Don in this case, but going by his metrics, I am a writer, right? Hundreds of people bought paperbacks or downloaded eBook versions of my books in 2012. Even if 1% actually read them, that is people reading my s*%&.

In reading other posts out here in the blogosphere, I am realizing that I am not the only one who fears owning this word.Why is that? What is the metric? If it isn't "people reading your s*%&, or even ONE person reading your writing, what makes us writers?

IWSG- Short a Few Stars

I'll admit it: I'm jealous... of writers who seem nonplussed by poor reviews. I am anything but. I fret three stars, and am almost thankful that I have not yet earned enough attention to be wary of the random 2 and 1 star review on Amazon!

But others seem to take it in stride. Ms. Jessica Bell recently laughed... LAUGHED... at a one star review, and assured me that three stars is still good.

And thus, we get to the heart of insecurity: what I know in my head and the knots in my stomach are fighting it out for control of my reactions, and my stomach usually wins.

I know that my latest book has an audience. It may be limited, and it may be niche, but those that have read it thus far have liked it. I know that it is well-edited (because I paid to have it edited) and I know that it flows well (because my hired editor told me so, and he was ruthless on other points so I trust him on this one), and I know that I am proud of it.

I also know that reading is subjective, which I have learned by being the one person that seems to not enjoy the latest big thing (I actually really did not like The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo).

Normally, the first Wednesday of the month is where I write out my insecurities and find some great lesson that carries me through. I promise I am arbitrating the debate happening in my anatomy, but I also really welcome feedback on how YOU handle poor reviews of your work out there for posterity!

Insecure Writers Post-- Making it Rise

I have always struggled with yeast breads. I love to cook, and delight in attempting difficult recipes. I've made souffles, and Beef Wellington, and my meringue could make you cry. But yeast breads... ugh!I can never get bread to rise, and yet I kept trying over and over and over because there is something in me that will not be bested by quick yeast.

As I was railing against this difficulty this week, something occurred to me-- the way I cook is a really great metaphor for my writing career. I try things, things that are hard,  things that make me uncomfortable, things that challenge me, and things that bring me comfort.And sometimes, I cry.

September was a month for crying over yeast breads, and my latest WIP. I am writing a book that is a fictionalization of my mom's struggle with cancer. I wanted to tell her story, and mine as well. Every time I open it, I convince myself that I am not worthy of writing this book, that my attempts are trite and that I am not talented enough to write in a way that honors what cancer patients go through.

Like all of my attempts at yeast breads, this dough just would not rise.

I took a long weekend last weekend-- I've been traveling a ton and I was tired and needed it. As it turns out, this was a really smart move. On Friday, I got up and decided I was going to bake and write-- yeast bread and at least 4,000 words in the new book. My progress was rocky.

• At 8 a.m., I had the first starter dough rising, and 500 words written. 
• By 10 a.m. I had thrown away the first starter because it failed to rise, and 300 words written. 
• At 11 a.m. I decided to buck up, put together another starter, and deleted my 300 words to start over. 
• By noon, I was ready to give up. Yeast bread should not be this hard, and now the second started did nothing. And the book... hell, this thing is fiction that draws inspiration from my life. Why was writing it so damned hard? 
• And then, at 1 p.m., I put a solid set to my shoulders,  put together my third attempt at starter dough, and turned my computer back on. I will stop feeling defeated, I promised myself.

Something amazing happened-- the dough rose. I think I used cooler water, a ceramic bowl, and suddenly, I had bubbly dough and a signal of hope. I added the rest of the ingredients, set it to keep rising, and went to work writing.

I ended the day with 4,500 words, and my first successful dinner roll ever. The writing was clunky, and the roll tasted awful. But it rose, and so next time, I can focus on flavor. And I wrote it, so next time I can smooth it out.

This writer is really insecure today!

Though I have been a really awful blog participant for the past few months, I am glad that this is the day for talking about being insecure. 

You see, if someone else who had published their first novel through a small press and seen it place as a finalist in some competition or other came to me and said "I can't find a publisher for my second book, it sure must suck," I would calmly:

• Explain that the general state of rapid evolution happening in the fiction market right now is making it hard for even established writers to find publishers. 
• Point out that publishers pick books on quality and marketability, and not being the ideal title to market does not mean that the book is not quality.
• Remind this someone that some of the best books of our time were rejected dozens of times. 

So if I am aware of all of these things, but it took me a long time to reconcile what I know with what I believe.

I've recently made the decision to self-publish my second novel, Don't Wake Up. I have to admit that, at first, I was really depressed about this, as it seemed to be a step backward. I went from having a publisher to self-publishing, and had it ingrained in my head that it should go the other way.

And then something happened-- I started designing the book, selecting an editor, picking a cover. I had control of every decision. I had a lot of control working with a small press, but nothing like this.

I also started hopping all over to blogs of other self-published writers and found amazing, amazing talent. I knew there were great self-published writers, but the volume and tenor of the discussions I found encouraged and motivated me.

I've changed my mind-- I am no longer depressed. I am in control, and ecstatic to have a platform to share my book, and participate in such an amazing online community!

Insecure Writer's Support Group Post #2-- On Building Community

There is a lot of buzz lately (and by lately, I mean for the past five years or so) about whether or not eBooks and the internet will destroy, devalue, and otherwise eliminate the centuries old publishing tradition.

I think this change contributes to a lot of our insecurities as an industry. Things are changing massively and I often feel stuck in between two paradigms. On the one hand, I cannot seem to get my second book published, nor can I find an agent. In the old paradigm, this might indicate that my work is not marketable, or worse yet, that I am not talented. In the new paradigm, this could indicate much about agents and publishers that are too distracted by struggling to keep up with this incredible shift in the way they do business to continue sourcing amazing talent.

OK, the second is just what I tell myself to make it less hurtful.

But what I think we don't spend enough time focusing on is how this new world might make getting a commercial publisher harder, but it has made writing a much less solitary endeavor. Ten years ago, I would not have had the opportunity to know a myriad of wonderful fellow writers I met through the blogosphere. I wouldn't be able to share my insecurities, get reassurance, and reassure others without, if I was lucky, a trip to the local library, book club, or writer's center. And even then, I would only be interacting with people near me unless I was fortunate enough to get to BEA or Frankfurt.

At least 5 times a week, I am convinced that I should just give up on "trying to be a writer" and be happy with a good career. And at least 5 times a week, amazing writers and virtual connections remind me of all of the reasons why I want to keep working at getting my work out there (knowingly or unknowingly).

So I am insecure. A lot. And you all help me be less so. So a heartfelt thanks.

My first insecure writer post!

I have joined this blog group at just the right time, because I get to have my first post be a victory!

Like, I would imagine, most writers, I usually spend at least 48 hours after each rejection letter received thinking that I am kidding myself by trying to "be a writer."  Then, in writing and in life, I assume that if I can't do it 100% perfectly myself, I am a failure.

So last month I got a rejection letter suggesting that my second novel has really good potential, but needs a professional edit.

• Initial reaction: Oh my goodness, my own edit was insufficient, I suck at writing... and life. Shy away from the limelight (which, as this photo indicates, I am so good at!)
• Grown up process: Realize that being a good writer doesn't necessarily equate to being a good editor. And not being a good editor doesn't mean I'm a bad writer. 

So, I hired an editor. I swallowed by pride and perfectionism, and paid someone who IS a good editor to help me perfect my second novel.

I haven't gotten the edits back yet, and am insecure as hell that they will come with a cover email telling me I suck and should never write again, but that is the insecurity talking!