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Wednesday, October 26, 2016

A pact with my mom friends

Dear Mom Friends,

Holy crap, I need you. You all keep me sane and give me someone to talk to when motherhood makes me feel alone and crazy at time. I love you guys. And because I love you guys, I am going to make you some promises so we can all continue to be a little more sane.

  1. No thank you cards. I will always send my relatives and coworkers and others without kids. But I will give your kids a birthday gift. You may do the same for mine. Lets not add more to our to-do list in exchanging thank you cards until our kids are old enough to write the damn things themselves.
  2. In that vein, I will try to make every birthday party, but lets not get all pissy when life happens and we all miss the occasional one, OK? 
  3. Don't ever clean for me. Seriously. Let your house be as it is when I am coming over so I don't feel any pressure to clean mine for you.
  4. I won't discipline your kid unless I am babysitting or you expressly ask me to. And likely not even then. I will stop our kids from physically hurting each other or themselves, but addressing behavior is on you because we will inevitably feel differently about how to handle things. 
  5. I will always warn you before bringing a sick kid around yours, and we will stay home if ours is really sick. I will not skip every event when my kid has a sniffle, because I would never leave the house. But I also get that sometimes you can handle a kid with a cold, and sometimes you just cannot, so I will leave that decision to you. 
  6. Ask me for help! Whether you need a night out or someone is ER bound and you need a dog walker. Given what my own life looks like, I cannot promise that I will always be able to answer the call, but I promise that I will do everything I can to be there when you really need back up. 
  7. You never have to say "I love my kid, but..." because I know your love your kid. No matter what you have to say, I won't question that. If you didn't love your kid, we probably wouldn't be friends. You can just bitch to me about whatever happens to be killing you at the moment without feeling like it needs qualification. 
  8. I will try to drag you out of the house if I feel like you are losing it. Because we all are losing it sometimes. If you sound frantic or stressed, I am going to start asking when we can do dinner or a movie or go for a walk sans kid. It might take 6 weeks to make our schedules work, but we need to keep an eye out for each other's sanity! 
  9. I will not bring my kid if you ask me not to... even if it means I can't come. We all need to honor those nights when we just want adult time. If the sitter cancels, we will be respectful and sit this one.. 
  10. I will try not to make you feel judged... I spend a lot of time questioning my decisions and thinking I am doing things wrong. Sometimes, you will do something and I think for a moment "Yay! I did/do that better." And then I will feel guilty as hell about it. However, it will happen. Trust me, there will be many more moments where I sit and wish I could be as good a mother as you are. So I am not going to lie to you and say I will never judge you, just as I am pretty sure you couldn't say the same, But I can promise that I will do my best to keep those thoughts minimal and in my head, so you never feel judged. Because beyond any glee for feeling confident about one thing, the thing I need to feel more is the empathy we have for each other. 
I am sure this list could be longer. As our kids get older, I am sure the way we support each other will change, too. But for now, I can promise you these things with the hope that we can help ease the load just a bit. 

Friday, October 14, 2016

Nika Blog Tour and Review

I was happy to participate on the Nika blog tour and receive a copy of the book in exchange for my honest review.

Nika begins with a breathy bang as our narrator is kidnapped. Taken to a strange, luxurious home she must bide her time and wait for answers. When they finally come, she comes to understand that she is the key to ending a dispute between two powerful races.

What I loved about this:
The story here is incredibly unique and exciting. As someone who reads a lot of paranormal YA, often plots can feel recycled. This is not the case here. Nika's tale is extremely fresh and imaginative. D.H. Gibbs has taken some familiar YA characters and given them a new world that is full of intrigue and possibility. I am looking forward to see what else this world has to offer.

What I didn't love:
The author seemed a little too excited to get to her very cool plot points. The writing at the beginning is exceptionally rushed, which sacrifices some very important and necessary character building. For example, though we see the story through Nika's eyes, the reader has absolutely no hint that she is more than a hundred years old until someone else tells her of her history. Of course it makes perfect sense to her, but as the reader who had no idea she had this background, I was confused both by the premise and her reaction to it. All in all, the book suffers from being almost exclusively "tell" with very little "show," which was frustrating because the story was so strong.

Nika: A Seychatka Novella
by D.H. Gibbs
Genre: YA Fantasy
Pages: 96
Release Date: March 1st 2016

Summary from Goodreads:

Taken off the streets Nika is thrown into an unknown world where she's held captive. As an orphan, she has been on the run and must find her way out before they discover her secret. But these people held the knowledge of her family and who she is. Will she be able to find out before her secret is revealed? After hundreds of years, Demyan has finally found the rightful ruler of his race. Unfortunately, she doesn't know who she is and is doing everything in her power to escape him. Time is running out and Demyan has to convince Nika to take her rightful place otherwise the battle will be lost and his race extinguished.

Add to Goodreads

Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes and Noble 

About the Author
With an active imagination and a love of art D.H. Gibbs has chosen to combine her talents by writing and illustrating books. She writes for both the children and young adult genre, where both of her debut books has been published and is available on amazon. Her new children’s book will be coming out in 2016.

D.H. Gibbs hails from the Caribbean where in her free time she reads, paint and travel when she can.

Author Links:

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Blog Tour Organized by:
YA Bound Book Tours

Friday, September 23, 2016

Sleep training myths debunked

Some people are doubly blessed when they become parents. They have these gorgeous little people that take over their hearts, AND their little people sleep well from the get go. I marvel at these people with a mix of jealousy and and awe. While I can very objectively state that my son was one of the coolest babies every born, he was not one of those babies who slept.

I spent 18 long weeks after his birth trolling the internet to find the magic solution that would buy me more than a few hours at a time. While my mom friends started celebrating that their kiddo was sleeping 6, or 7, or even 8 (HOLY #&#^) hours at a time after a month or two, we celebrated my son's two month birthday from a mattress on the living room floor. Why, you ask? Because he would sleep in his chair for 4 uninterrupted hours if (and only if) it was on the hardwood floor, so we set up camp in the living room.

After I had to leave a meeting at work and go hide in the bathroom to cry my eyes out because I was just so, so tired, we decided to finally listen to our doctor's advice and sleep train my kid (yes, ladies and gentlemen, my doctor suggested this). Like so many things with a baby, I was shocked to find out how controversial this was. People still give me the side eye when we mention that we did this, and I think it is because there are some pretty prevalent myths about what sleep training entails.

Let's address those, shall we?

1. I could never just let my baby cry like that

This one is the most common. My favorite iteration was from a woman who didn't have children (but I am sure her hypothetical kids sleep like angels, as hypothetical kids always do).

"Sleep training" is not synonymous with the infamous Ferber method, which does involve letting your kid cry it out. Sleep training has lots of ranges and tactics, from the very simple setting of a bed time and pre-bed routine up to full on cry it out. I read multiple books and every article I could find on this, and there is no one magic method, as (shockingly) every baby's needs are different.

We used a controlled cry method where we would let him cry for 5 minutes before we went to soothe him, then 10, and then 15, etc. It worked well for him, but for me... well, myth number 2.

2. I guess it's nice if you can stand to listen to him cry

Yep, I put my screaming baby in his crib, walked out of the room, and started doing tequila shots in my kitchen while I waited for the exotic dancers to arrive. What an asinine thing to say.

I cried as much as my baby cried the first three nights of this. In fact, the first night I caved after 45 minutes and slept on my trusty living room mattress. I had visions of him developing attachment disorders and growing up to hate me or become a Trump supporter. Every second of the four days it took to get him to sleep in his crib was torture for me. But I would do it all again, because the third myth is also crap...

3. Well, I suppose you have to do what's best for you

The insinuation here being that I am putting myself ahead of my kid. Not true, and a hearty f*ck off to you. This is wrong and insulting on two levels:

A. Babies need to sleep. All that growing and learning burns up a LOT of energy. There are reasons baby books tell you that your kid should be sleeping something like 14 hours a day- THEY NEED TO. It is a developmental imperative. When he passed that four month mark, his doctor was very clear with us that sleep training was fine (and even important) because he needed to sleep.

B. Zombie moms are not good moms. I mean, we do our best, but in order to be a good mother, I need more than 3 fitful hours of sleep on a futon mattress every night. So let's not separate what is best for me from what is best for my kid in this instance, as they happen to be one and the same.

4. Aren't you worried that it will impact your relationship?

Anyone who thinks sleep training somehow lessened my love for my kid or his need for me is welcome to come over next Saturday and watch what happens when I try to put the little velcro baby down.

All in all, you didn't raise my kid. Even if you've had six of your own, none of them was mine.Sleep training worked for us. It does not make me a bad, negligent mother, nor is my child doomed to be a serial killer or tea partier. And hopefully, a few of these facts will help prevent other mothers from getting the sleep-training side eye if it turns out to be what they need to do. We get enough judgement about...well, everything else...

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

9 Pre-Toddler Survival Tips

Every night, as we get my son ready for bed, I muse over how he looks just a bit more like a little boy and a bit less like a baby than he did the night before. Some nights, I look wistfully at his now-discarded baby swing and feel weepy. Some nights I pour a big glass of wine and revel at how my big boy sleeps 11 hours straight. Some nights, I weep into my wine.

For you new moms out there, get ready. It happens so much sooner than you think it will!

If you are about to celebrate your child’s six month birthday, or just want to think about a time when you get to sleep 8 hours straight, then now is a good time to learn the tips, tricks, and realities of a pre-toddler.  

1.       Improvised movement is FAST. Even before my son started crawling, he could get from the spot safely by my side to the closest choking hazard in the time it took me to like a Facebook status. Trust me- pre-toddlers don’t have to be crawling to find their way into mayhem. Learn to keep one eye on them at all times- they are like little landmines.

2.       Puffs are a must. I used to watch other people give these kids these mushy balls of air, gross out, and think “not my kid.” However, my eight month old is shockingly stubborn when it comes to grabbing chunks of foie gras, so puffs have been really helpful in teaching him to pick up food and feed himself.

3.       Store brand is just fine. When I acquiesced to the puffs, I went out and bought organic, grain-free, sugar-free quinoa and kale puffs. I was going to teach my child healthy eating right away! I soon discovered that kids are born knowing only two things: how to suck, and that your organic, grain-free, sugar-free quinoa and kale puffs are bullshit. I guess nine months of a steady cake diet in utero gives you the ability to understand when you’re being denied sugar.

4.       Sleep is a gift. As soon as you take it for granted, someone (in this case, your little tyrant) takes it away. There are separation anxiety, growth spurts, ear infections, teething, and just general lack of consideration at play during the last half of the first year. However, rest easy because now these are periodic disruptions. You will still likely get to sleep WAY more than you did a few months back.

5.       Your kid can start screwing with other people, and there is very little you can do about it. Just learn to accept it. My little angel had frequent ear pain, and he coped through biting. Usually he bit things, or me. However, I did bring home his first Incident Report from day care when he decided to chow down on a little girl’s leg. And OF COURSE he didn’t pick the kid of uptight pencil-skirt mom who wouldn’t wave at me in the parking lot. He picked the kid of the cool mom that I Facebook stalked a little in the hopes that we would become mom friends. I then felt awkward saying “hey, want to grab dinner sometime and talk about how your kid was my kid’s lunch today?”

6.       Changing diapers becomes like trying to put a onesie on a squid. Did you think it was hard when they were newborns and screamed and thrashed? Oh, honey. That was just training. Now that dirty butt is a moving target, which may or may not be poop-painting your living room while you try to wrestle the kid that is enthralled by their newfound ability to move.

7.       You do not need to buy a ton of toys. Really. Our $100 exercise thingy is collecting dust. All of those “educationally approved” toys I comparison shopped for have been way more exciting to the dog. Yesterday, my child banged on a pot on my kitchen floor for thirty minutes, and then tried to fit my entire yoga ball into his mouth for another 20. Voila. Dinner was made, he was ecstatic, and had started to learn spatial reasoning skills (i.e. I hope he has begun to understand that the entire yoga ball will not fit in his mouth).

8.       Your kid will reach for you, dive into your lap, and demand to be cuddled. And it is AWESOME and EXHAUSTING. At month six I was so excited that he could play solo for 5 or 10 minutes so I could pee or have a cup of coffee. By month eight, he screamed if I left the room. My inner guilty working mom was delighted by the evidence that he did love and need me. My inner pragmatist REALLY needed that cup of coffee.

9.       Every day is a little harder and a little easier. Now you aren’t as sleep deprived, but your knees might ache from playing pack mule. Now your child can entertain himself for a few minutes and free you up to do other things, but he can also climb into the fireplace to recreate a scene or two from Mary Poppins. Now your child eats some solid foods and isn’t permanently attached to your nipple, but feeding him takes pre-planning and shopping trips and strained peas are really hard to get out of your hair.

All in all, I sometimes miss the joys of the newborn days. There are few experiences that compare to the first time your baby smiles at you, or feeling a tiny little being fall asleep on your chest. Nonetheless, my kid is a person now. He has opinions, adorable, maddening opinions. He discovers new things every day. He grins from ear to ear when I pick him up at day care. I am not sure I would trade one minute of it in.

OK, maybe one minute… or twenty. That’s a shower and a cup of coffee!