Sunday, April 25, 2010

So much time back in the school yard

Ladies and gentleman, two things are official:

  1. The galleys for Max and Menna are at the printer! For those of you who are unfamiliar, six months or so before a new book comes out, the publisher will bind a couple hundred advanced copies. These are called galleys or arcs (advanced readers copies). These go out for reviews, blurbs, etc. We are on our way, and looking at the interior, Max and Menna finally looks like a realy book.
  2. I am spending entirely too much time in middle school zone. Allow me to explain.
So, I have all of these goals and stuff. I always have all of these goals. Publishing this book is the culmination of many, many, many years of goal setting. But there are more. I want to have more time to write. To do this, I am working on a masters degree so I can, eventually teach part time, hopefully freelance part time, and write! This is what I want... eventually.

I spend so much time thinking of this one moment in the movie Parenthood-- Steve Martin's character is running out the door, and his wife asks him if he has to go. His response-- My whole life is have-to. It resonates. And I hate that it does because my dad always expressed feeling that way. This officially means that I am becoming my parents (not that this is bad, just unsettling).

Now, trust me, I understand that so much of what is going on with me has to do with choices I am making. I love my job for now, but I know that I do want to work for myself eventually. So I am doing full-time work, full-time school, book promotion, trying to start a freelance job. But, at the same time, I have so few moments to myself. Today is glorious. I am caught up and have a rare afternoon free. So I am chilling on the couch in my pleasantly cool living room watching really dumb action movies. This is phenomenal.

So, here is where middle school comes in. One of my friends has a co-worker that up and quit this week-- walked out-- because of a percieved injustice. Now, in actuality, there was no injustice. There was someone creating drama, and then walking out on her job when she was called on her drama. I saw this co-worker the other night and found myself having a hard time talking with her. I was just annoyed with this person that I actually do like.

Now, those of you who know me understand that I am somewhat rigid in my sense of responsibility. A lot of it comes from seeing the way people react to having a sick family member. This extends to not screwing over your co-workers and acting like a pouty child because sometimes work isn't fair. I cannot describe how much this situation, which has absolutely nothing to do with me, fills me with rage. And I have realized, that it is out of jealousy

Yes, school and the book promotion are parts of my life that I have chosen. But even without those, I have work, family obligations, a very "have-to" kind of life. The last time I had the luxury of being able to walk out of a job that annoyed me was high school, and even then I had too much pride and self-respect and consideration for my co-workers to do it.

I must ponder, then... perhaps is my anger towards this situation that has nothing to do with me, based on jealousy? I dream about being busy with things I love doing instead of things I have to do. I love the idea of teaching, writing, freelancing, having time to work on some furniture refinishing, having a garden, not having to schedule time weeks out to clean my room. Understanding that not wanting a traditional 9-5 job for the rest of my life is not unique to me, seeing someone just walk away from that without planing for the future when I am working my butt off to get to the point where i can do it responsibly just aggravates me.

Does this jealousy make me an eighth grader? I admit its partially jealousy, but it is also partially disappointment in watching an adult behave like such a child.

Perhaps it is me that is acting like a child.

1 comment:

  1. Good post, Shauna. I could relate to it. When you do get to the place where you work from home, and then become successful, some folks will not appreciate the enormous amount of work, of things you said "no" to, to get the life you have. Or,if they meet you in social situations, they'll think your job is just a hobby. In the end, we can only live our own lives, I guess. And satisfy our own sense of responsibility. It gets easier to do that as we age. There have to be some perks to aging!
    I, like you, multi-task and am always busy planning, dreaming, doing, implementing, strategizing... When I find myself feeling jealous of those who seem to do less, I remind myself that it is my choice, and my choice to change. That helps. It also helps to remember what, in life, lasts.

    Okay, all this is more to remind myself (and it's taken decades to learn this) than preach at you. You obviously know all this stuff and have learned lessons your peers haven't had the chance to yet.
    You are going to reach your dreams, I know it!